Is GoFundMe the new gay dating app?

Features

Nov 13

Featured

Gay people! We’re just like everyone else. We go to work, we fall in love, we recharge our crystals under a blood moon by the nearest body of water. But there’s one other thing we do just as well as anyone else: fall into medical debt from routine health issues! That’s right, equality is here and it’s a bummer!

I’ve been experiencing severe wrist pain for the past few months and finally found the cause: pressing down on my bones and nerves and muscles is a mean little cyst. At first I was honored! A cyst!? WOW, I’m just like a Drag Race loser! How thrilling. Then I found out how much it would cost to fix it. As with any injured person, I immediately scheduled my surgery and thanked my nationalized health service for my no-cost treatment. Just kidding, I’m an American. I immediately started a GoFundMe so I could beg and plead for basic human decency.

Now, as you probably know from desperately trying to make eye contact with every cute person on the bus and psychically telling them “I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life,” gay people are constantly flirting. Through dating apps, through Instagram, through Facebook, hell even through the old ButtMagazine.com social network Butt Buddies; we love to flirt. A gay person can't post a picture of their cat without someone else commenting "I'd love to traumatize that cat by making them watch what I'm gonna do to you." Try as you might, but so far none of my cats have ever been traumatized by watching whatever it is that we gay people call sex.

Therefore, I probably shouldn't be surprised that so many eager men have been reaching out to me to say things like "why don't you spend that GoFundMe money on a trip to come have sex with me instead?" or "how 'bout you show me what that limp wrist can do!" Folks, it can't do much! You don't want to see it!

Also if you want to flirt with me over a desperate plea for help, go right ahead, but you better believe I'm going to check and see if you've donated or even shared it on Facebook! It's like the Holocaust*: don't bring it up unless you're at least tangentially involved!

(*Editor's note: it's substantially less severe than the Holocaust)

Sure, I'd love to sell my body for some quick cash but it's just not ethical! It'd be like selling you a used car with a busted axle. Even if I disclosed it, it's a big hurdle to get over and there's still substantial work to be done before it's functional.

Besides, getting paid for sex? Sorry but there are some lines I won't cross: picket lines! I'm not a scab, so patronize a professional please! There are plenty of qualified sex workers out there who will take your money and render services properly. As for you and me, let's make our surgery donations like our sexual interactions: no strings attached!

Fellas, I think you're all hot and wonderful and I'd probably like to do all kinds of things that our pets would be traumatized by watching. But, for now, let's separate that from this desperate act of begging that late-stage capitalism and decades of failed neoliberal policies have forced me into. It’s sad! You don’t want me to associate your sexiness with this! It’s like when some guy sent me a picture of his huge penis next to a Comcast remote for scale. Now I’m always going to associate your genitals with Comcast! Is that the message you really want to send?

So the next time you want to flirt with a broke, despondent and injured cutie, feel free! Just try to make it a little less dystopian and leave the fundraiser out of it!

—

Julian Modugno is a writer and humorist based out of Chicago, IL. He hates everything you love and won't be happy until it's destroyed and you're left with nothing. Donate to his GoFundMe by clicking here.

You can follow him on instagram @historysgreatestmonster and on Twitter at @juliocentric

Featured