Owning my Pleasure as a Trans Man
In 2012, I was a 16 year-old college student living in the dorms, making me the least sexually-available person in a five-mile radius.
I had always been a deeply sexual person with an intense curiosity. Upon turning 18, I transferred to a new school and moved to a new city, excited to let go of my label as “the sixteen year-old” and become fair game to my peers. I was ready to jump in with both feet. However, when something is held just out of reach, its sudden availability can be overwhelming. It’s a new world–one where the rules aren’t totally clear, and you’ve never tested your actual comfort level with others.
Sexual self-acceptance, or “sexual freedom,” is a process complicated by our identity, fetishes, past sexual and platonic relationships, traumas, and the culture we exist in. However, it is one of the most exciting, if vulnerable, challenging, and emotional, experiences possible.
As a young, homo-flexible trans man, that was a long process. I began transitioning, but waiting for the changes in my body to be manifested to the outside world was like watching grass grow. I struggled through my pre-transition femininity while desiring a gay community that didn’t reciprocate and the discomfort with straight men who were interested. I had to unlearn a level of sexual fear mongering that I was taught as a child, and I had to accept my own fear of vulnerability.
My first few sexual experiences weren’t mind-blowing. They were simple and amateur, but I realized that I wasn’t getting anywhere near orgasm. Nevermind that orgasming with partners is often something that has to be worked on. Experience changes everything and teaching others to please you is nothing outside the norm. But I didn’t realize that yet, and it dismayed me. My lack of immediate gratification that all men seemed to have led me to believe that I was flawed in my sexual community.
When my second or third sexual partner asked me how they could make me come, the idea of focusing on it was too much. My response: “I won’t, so don’t worry about it.” Evasion became my sexual safety blanket. My craving for sexual exploration was in conflict with my fear of the vulnerability associated with allowing someone else to spend the time and effort to pleasure me.
Once I had a double mastectomy and had hormonally transitioned for a couple years, I experienced a wonderful, if whiplashing, change. Gay men saw my masculine chest and often didn’t care nearly as much about what was below. I felt a freedom to explore and tease. At first, hooking up as casually as gay men expected, though I craved to, seemed a far-off idea. They wanted me. Right now. This may sound boastful to some, but the sexual availability of gay men overall is simply higher than the straight, queer, and lesbian population. I was still getting used to the privilege of being safe in sexual situations. It took months of adjusting before welcoming the first no-strings hook-up into my home.
Even once “fully-transitioned,” including the ability to embrace and feel comfortable experimenting, hooking up with new people and trying new things, I was still growing into my sexuality. I was thriving in the gay community, but I was still performing more than I was enjoying myself. Being a porn performer both helped and hurt me. Working a job where you arrive, talk to someone for five minutes, and proceed to film your sexual encounter in the company of several other people increased my sexual comfort tenfold. I became proud to be in my skin and explore my sexuality, often in full view of others, but I was still performing.
I would still leave a sexual interaction without really advocating for my pleasure. I suppressed the healthy sexual selfishness that most gay men benefit from, preferring to hide behind a shield of giving pleasure than receiving it.
Five years later, I want to shake that naive and self-sabotaging 18 year-old. I want to scream at him, “Your pleasure matters! You don’t have to orgasm, but you don’t have to give up!” I still fight this battle, and it’s all because I taught myself to be a passive participant in my own sexuality. I taught myself to put my own pleasure in the backseat.
While boldly expressing my sexuality as a wildly-free individual in public, a self-described “equal opportunity slut,” my personal sex life has been filled with calculated decisions to advocate for my own pleasure. During every hook-up, I’ve slowly taken back command of the experience for myself. I request things of my partners, give instructions, and actively engage with the Dominant side of my kink. I calculate my requests, push past my fear of being inconvenient and own my sexuality as an even better sexual partner.
Endeavoring to embrace my own sexuality and pleasure wasn’t an option; sex is just too important to be put aside. My pursuit of satisfaction has forced me to address the shame, guilt, and fear around my own sexuality, and I’m still continuing.
My current presence in the adult industry is the most honest it’s ever been, and I’m open in conversations about my explorations and eagerness to meet and fuck new people in new ways. I had to realize that the more I embrace my own pleasure and needs, the more fun I am to fuck, to watch. The more I enjoy the flavor, scent, and feel of my partners, the more I open myself up to craving someone, demanding that I have them how I want them, and sometimes saying, “That’s not doing it for me.”
And it’s just in time. As my sexual career continues to grow, my pleasure does to. My work gets dirtier, more primal, more real. What you see has become more and more of my real sexuality. I can safely tell people that I love what I do, not just out of aspiration to embrace my sexuality more wholly, because it’s my playground.
Ari Koyote is a passionate Atlanta-based sex worker, sexual health & education enthusiast, and ever-evolving kinkster working to understand how sex, identity, and relationships intersect. He can be found on Twitter at @arikoyoteFTM.
Archive
- November 2024
- October 2024
- September 2024
- August 2024
- July 2024
- June 2024
- May 2024
- April 2024
- October 2023
- July 2023
- June 2023
- May 2023
- April 2023
- March 2023
- February 2023
- June 2022
- April 2022
- March 2022
- January 2022
- December 2021
- October 2021
- September 2021
- August 2021
- July 2021
- June 2021
- May 2021
- April 2021
- March 2021
- February 2021
- January 2021
- December 2020
- October 2020
- September 2020
- August 2020
- July 2020
- June 2020
- May 2020
- April 2020
- March 2020
- February 2020
- January 2020
- December 2019
- November 2019
- October 2019
- September 2019
- August 2019
- July 2019
- June 2019
- May 2019
- April 2019
- March 2019
- February 2019
- January 2019
- December 2018
- November 2018
- October 2018
- September 2018
- August 2018
- July 2018
- June 2018
- May 2018
- April 2018
- March 2018
- February 2018
- January 2018
- December 2017
- November 2017
- October 2017
- September 2017
- August 2017
- July 2017
- June 2017
- May 2017
- April 2017
- March 2017
- February 2017
- January 2017
- December 2015
- November 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015
- July 2015
- June 2015
- May 2015
- April 2015