If Gay Marriage Ends, We’re Ending Straight Marriage Too

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Oct 27

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Straight folks! If you’re engaged, you better get married before the Supreme Court overturns gay marriage! I know, you’re like, “Well I can wait. My rights aren’t going anywhere.” But let me tell you this, if you’re straight and you get married AFTER gay marriage is overturned, I will consider you just as homophobic as the people rooting for gay people to lose their rights. You will be nothing more than a bigot to me for the rest of your lives!

Gay marriage isn’t even the most important issue to me but you need to understand: if I don’t have a right and you rub it in my face that you do, you’re scum. You’re worthless. And you will be treated like that! If you think I’m an angry homosexual now, just you fucking wait and see the spirit of vengeance that I become.

Weddings? Good fucking luck. If I even so much as HEAR a wedding bell, I will crash a fucking Mack truck through the wall of your wedding venue, crush your racist grandmother, and set the venue aflame. I’m GAY. Do you have any idea how easy it will be for me to get a job as a baker or florist? Please enjoy your wedding cake tainted with my feces and the bouquet laced with poison ivy. I promise you on all seven box sets of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that I will personally make straight weddings an occasion of absolute agony—an event best known for dread, a party people will be too scared to attend.

The religious right thinks gay people demean the sanctity of marriage? Hooboy just you wait and see what we do to the sanctity of marriage when we’re angry. I will personally fund well-armed sex workers to seduce your fathers, film them cheating on your mothers, and upload the entire thing to the internet where it will be posted on the walls of every family member until your parents’ marriage crumbles like the flimsy pretense of love it always was. Then you can agonize over whichever parent you’ll be celebrating whatever stupid holiday you straight people celebrate (i.e. Easter or Dress for Less Week at Ross).

“But don’t take it out on me; I support gay rights!” you say as you plan your future wedding at some former plantation (because you’re racist, too). Who cares what you support? Your actions say otherwise and MY actions will say “fuck you!” Yes, this goes for family. Yes, this goes for friends. If you try to throw a straight wedding (ugh even this phrase turns my stomach), you are neither family nor friend! Honestly, even if you attend someone else’s, I know you can’t be trusted.

Okay, fine. Here’s a compromise. For every person you invite to your wedding, you can give a queer person $1000 in “I’m sorry America is the worst nation” money. That’s enough for us to buy a gun to defend ourselves with and we still have some money leftover to fund another sting operation on a married dad so we can tear another family apart. It doesn’t mean we will forgive you or not hold a grudge, it just means we may not try to actively ruin your wedding (this is not a guarantee).

Do you think this seems exceptionally harsh? Well why don’t you make like the only song straight people like and cry me a river! If marriage isn’t a right for everyone, then it’s truly a privilege. And the virtue of simply being straight hasn’t earned you the privilege of a dream wedding; the queers will see to that. So if your straight marriage matters to you, you better damn well do everything in your power to protect gay marriage now and forever. Put your bodies on the line, go on a general strike, and tell the people who invite you to a wedding that you aren’t going until all marriage is protected under the law. If you’re not willing to do this, you were never an ally in the first place.

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Julian Modugno is a writer and humorist based out of Chicago, IL. He hates everything you love and won't be happy until it's destroyed and you're left with nothing.

You can follow him on instagram @historysgreatestmonster and on Twitter at @juliocentric

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