ATL Missed Connections - July
The queer dating scene in Atlanta can be a strange and intimidating beast. It seems the only way to meet people these days is on hookup apps like Grindr or Tinder. But what happens when that love-at-first-swipe strange encounter you met at Flex disappears and you don't even know their name? Craigslist.
We culled the internet for the weirdest Missed Connection ads coming out of Atlanta.
This is what we found.
Wine Tasting Slut – m4m
Age: 23
Height: 5’8 (152 cm)
Body: corked
Status: aerating
We attended the same wine tasting. It was at Kroger, so you know it was fancy.
I was the guy wearing an all Jelly/PVC plastic tux and no underwear guzzling the wine tasters’ spit bucket. When you’ve tasted the spit of 53 strangers, you’ve tasted luxury.
You were standing in front of the free samples table, or as I call it, a five-star restaurant. You wore an all-white tux to a wine tasting. It’s clear you love danger and taking risks. You were eating from a trey of Thicc Pockets, the Kroger brand of Hot Pockets. I like how you eat by only using your tongue. I went up to talk to you, but the moment I spoke you spat in my face. It was hot.
Your spit was my favorite. The mixture of cabernet and, I want to say (swigs mouth), beef jerky cleansed my palette. At most wine tastings, the spit is mostly backwash and the occasional chewing tobacco. Your spit had character and depth, like the cast of “Pretty Little Liars.” I would have asked for more, but I passed out from arousal overload.
If you’d like to pop our anuses like a bottle of 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild, meet me in aisle 5 where they sell their Thicc Pockets. I’ll be waiting with my bucket.
My Dog Boner – m4dog
Age: 7 (in dog years)
Height: 2’ (61 cm)
Body: Air Bud
Status: Who’s ah good boy?!
I stopped by the dog park in Reynoldstown on my way to work. I don’t own a dog, but I’ve always wanted to shoot one behind a shed.
I was sitting on the bench wearing a crop top that only covered my neck and unfinished shorts I bought from my cousin’s Etsy. I was also eating a cheeseburger with no cheese. I was about to leave till I saw you with your owner.
Your owner was a woman in her early 20’s with blonde hair, Chanel sunglasses, and a Dennis Rodman clutch. You were a Golden Retriever wearing a doggie cone, which is uncanny because I wear one when I masturbate.
As soon as you arrived, you marked your territory by peeing on the other pups. Like in When Harry Met Sally, I had a fake orgasm looking at you. It stirred something inside I haven’t felt since I hit that lizard-person with my car and kept driving. You had the personality of a top dog, but I was too much of a pussy to talk to you.
I want take you home and read “Where the Red Fern Grows” while you nibble on an enema chew toy. I want to drop you off on the other side of the country, and touch myself till you find your way back home. I want you to lay next to me on my deathbed and become the host for my new body. Together, you and I will be unstoppable. Like Oprah and Gayle, or Oprah and Oprah.
If you want to be the golden receiver of my affection, follow the scent of my taint. Careful, mine smells at lot like a Pug’s anus.
Archive
- November 2024
- October 2024
- September 2024
- August 2024
- July 2024
- June 2024
- May 2024
- April 2024
- October 2023
- July 2023
- June 2023
- May 2023
- April 2023
- March 2023
- February 2023
- June 2022
- April 2022
- March 2022
- January 2022
- December 2021
- October 2021
- September 2021
- August 2021
- July 2021
- June 2021
- May 2021
- April 2021
- March 2021
- February 2021
- January 2021
- December 2020
- October 2020
- September 2020
- August 2020
- July 2020
- June 2020
- May 2020
- April 2020
- March 2020
- February 2020
- January 2020
- December 2019
- November 2019
- October 2019
- September 2019
- August 2019
- July 2019
- June 2019
- May 2019
- April 2019
- March 2019
- February 2019
- January 2019
- December 2018
- November 2018
- October 2018
- September 2018
- August 2018
- July 2018
- June 2018
- May 2018
- April 2018
- March 2018
- February 2018
- January 2018
- December 2017
- November 2017
- October 2017
- September 2017
- August 2017
- July 2017
- June 2017
- May 2017
- April 2017
- March 2017
- February 2017
- January 2017
- December 2015
- November 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015
- July 2015
- June 2015
- May 2015
- April 2015