Digital Sex & Social Distancing: A Guide to Getting Your Rocks Off Remotely

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Apr 22

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I’ll say it -- I miss having sex!

I miss the intimacy and the comfort of physical touch, and frankly I miss the occasional distraction from the dire state of the world. But the good news for me and every other horny gay out there: we can still enjoy sex with our partners while adhering to public health recommendations of social distancing. No, I’m not suggesting a dildo attached to the end of a 6-foot pole. I’m talking about digital sex.

Digital sex covers a wide range of activities including sending nudes on Snapchat, erotic writing shared between partners (sexting), and video chats of mutual masturbation. While some people now report being more comfortable with digital encounters over physical ones, many of us start by having to fight off a strong cringe reflex at the prospect of typing the word “cock” or performing on camera. The happy news is that no one is inherently a lost cause at digital sex; if you want to make it a part of your life, you’ve come to the right place.

For the one who doesn’t know where to begin.

Learn from the pros! If you’re trying to be a sexy writer, start by being a sexy reader. The worlds of fanfiction & reddit erotica exist alongside the more retro paperback romances & pulp sci fi to help anyone find their thing. There are no wrong places to look for what turns you on -- well, except 50 Shades. If you’re trying to figure out your angles for a sexy photo shoot or video call, check out some feminist and queer professional pornography. And remember to pay your instructors! Many sex workers list their payment methods on their social media.

For the one who’s afraid to sound silly.

Remember your first kiss? You had no idea where to put your hands or if closing your eyes too soon would be a mistake. Or maybe you have a memory of starting your period at the worst possible moment in bed. Sexuality can be awkward, there’s no way around that. But you survived each of those moments and became a more skilled sexual being afterwards. Digital sex is going to be the same. Experts recommend things like asking questions, describing the details, and building a fantasy together. Autostraddle breaks down successful sexts even further (“Compliment + Action”) and suggests prep and aftercare with your partner to ease into the activity. My number one piece of advice to you is to accept in advance you’ll have some embarrassing moments and practice, practice, practice anyway.

For the one who’s worried about digital security.

The bad news -- there is no such thing as a 100% secure way to send sensitive content digitally. Be realistic with yourself when considering the fallout if your content were to leak or be shared with unwanted parties. That said, digital sex is an increasingly common aspect of modern dating and choosing to partake in it does not in any way justify abuse or manipulation after the fact.
The good news -- there are ways to better understand the types of risks we face online and make informed choices. For example, are you more concerned about revenge porn, or the uncertainty of Google and Facebook having your nudes? If you want to be more confident that your Grindr match isn’t screenshotting your nudes, send them on Snapchat. But be aware that Snapchat has a history of insecurity for content sent with their service. On the other hand, you may trust your partner not to screenshot without consent, and decide to opt for sending sexts over an end-to-end encrypted chat app like Signal with a 30-minute disappearing message timer. If you want to go the extra mile to protect your images, consider watermarking your photos and blurring any identifying features & tattoos. Learn more about protecting yourself while sexting.

For the ones who want to feel something other than their own hands.

I’ve joked (or not joked) that I’m going to become an amateur sex toy reviewer by the end of my quarantine. And I’m not the only one -- sex toy sales are booming! Consider adding long-distance partner toys to your nights or try something totally new and different. I’ve personally joined the cult of the clit-sucking Womanizer and set new goals with my anal trainers, both of which have seriously improved my quarantine. New toys can give you something new to describe or show off to your partner and you’ll learn so much about your own body along the way!

For the kinky (or curious!) one.

Discussing boundaries in advance is an important part of any sexual experience involving more than one person. Quarantine presents us with a unique time to explore our imagination’s boundaries without any pressure to act on it. In fact, many people watch and read porn that has nothing to do with their real sex lives. All this is to say that it’s totally ok to ask a partner to describe choking you even if you’re not totally sure you’re ready for that interaction in person. And that it’s equally important to make sure you’re on the same page with your partners in terms of what is a fantasy and what is permissible post-quarantine. Now is a great time to be curious about what stimulates your mind! Looking for kinky inspiration? Check out these creative tips for long distance playtime.

For the one seeking new partners.

The quest does not have to take a hiatus while we socially distance! Check out these apps that have added built-in video chats and speed dating options. Or ask your matches if they’d be open to a Netflix Party date night for your Netflix & chill plans. Your hot date night can still include movies, takeout, and multiple orgasms! All while building tension for your eventual meetup (if you want one).

For the one who wants to ~stimulate~ the economy.

Support the community! Pay queer sex workers who have been hard hit during this crisis. Hit up mutual aid efforts or direct cashapps and pay for the ethical sexual content you consume.

While sex is undoubtedly different in the era of social distancing, this can also be an opportunity to strengthen new sexual muscles. Learn more about your body and mind, become a pro at dirty talk, build your confidence! You’ll be glad you made the investment.

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Raksha is a queer desi from the South currently residing in NYC. Her podcast on queer dating app culture (Tindergarten) is as much a part of her activism as her fight for digital privacy and democratized technology. Find her on Twitter at @raxsha.

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